I’m sure Dudley will not appreciate my latest decision, but there comes a time when bravado and personal comfort simply have to be set aside. The fact is that I have decided that I have to try to lose a little weight. I hasten to add that I have, in fact, lost 47 pounds over the last 4-or-5 years. I did it slowly, mostly by slightly reducing the volume of food I eat without denying myself any one type or category of food.
The motivation for this decision surprised even me: It was not the fact that I bought new underwear this week to accommodate the fact that physical settling (a result of gravitational forces acting on internal organs) resulted in more-and-more of me was being stuffed into the same sized drawers that used to fit well. It wasn’t an egotistical need to reduce the image I found in the mirror ever morning be cause I’ve long since stopped looking at and worrying about it. And it certainly wasn’t any drive to present a sexier, more desirable figure for my wife (or anyone else) since we find we’re quite comfortable with each other just as we are. No. The motivation was simply finding I had GAINED 4 pounds during my annual visit with the doctor. And though Dudley will probably blow a fuse when he reads that, the fact is that I had been (however slowly) going in the right direction for almost 5 years.
Like me, Dudley tends to have a devilish side to him that, though not “evil” as such, gives him a mischievous quality that makes him attack my more sensible tendencies. We both seem to disproportionately LOVE almost all carbohydrates, for example. Potatoes, rice, breads of any description, all are among our favorite things. When Dud told me :… “If God hadn’t intended fat guys like us to eat donuts, He wouldn’t have made them the tastiest, cheapest and most filling items in the grocery store.” ….it was probably the truest and religiously most profound statement I’ve ever heard him make. Dud doesn’t invoke God unless he’s deadly serious.
There are, of course, many other reasons for my decision: For one thing all of my kids and their spouses (except the skinny one) have embarked on self-improvement programs that included weight loss. I’ve noticed feeling more sluggish and weighed-down lately. I’ve experienced some tendency to lose balance and even fall more often than is healthy. I’ve even noticed (this is embarrassing) that my always short and stubby arms are having a a tough time stretching around that southern shift I mentioned when it’s time for the paper work in the bathroom. (Take note kiddies, this too is coming your way!) And most importantly – to me at any rate – is that if I’m to avoid making a complete fool of myself when my family is next able to circumvent the COVID19 rules long enough to legally hold our next Kflembeauski {private name} golf tournament, I MUST be able to swing effectively and tee my own golf ball if I don’t want to be laughed off the course. With all these “kids” trimming down and bulking up at the same time, I’m stuck leaving Dud at the Dunkin counter and sipping an unsweetened iced tea!
Of course I’m not trying to regain my misspent youth. I enjoyed spending it as foolishly as Dud did and I see no reason to try to get “svelt”! No, I only want to lose the four I gained and maybe 20 more. That should make the really tough things, like tying my shoes, (that paper work), and getting out of a chair without holding my back and groaning possible. I’ll never cross my legs again or pick up a dime without squatting like I’m laying an egg. I know that. I’d be happy to feel like my pants are a little loose and tucking my shirt in won’t cause embarrassing bunching and lumps that protrude and make the pants look like I’m smuggling hankies and other wads of cloth in them.
I just hope it doesn’t take me as long as the last 46 pounds took. My goal is the fall (just before those damn holidays that messed me up this year), but who knows? I may stumble into that magic formula if minimal exercise and tasty-if-less-fattening meals that will just melt me away like it was natural. Oh, I know! Natural has nothing at all to do with shedding pounds, and tasty non-fattening meals are a myth expounded by gimmick diet fads and their inventors. Still, I guess it’s time to try. Pray for me!
remnantsoflife 